kso, i know everyone has problems in thier lives and they always get better. but with me it doesnt seem to, i've had the same problems for the past 13years and they've never gone away. i'm starting to give up on life again, theres no point of me even being here. i have no one ! none of my friends understand the things i'm going threw, they semi understand the stuff i tell them but that stuff isnt even half of a quarter of the stuff i go threw/ have been threw. i love my friends and i trust them but i just dont want them to know alot fo the stuff in my life. i'm afraid that they'd turn their backs on me or go and tell people or not except me. i'm already basically fake, i neevr show my true emotions becausei dont want a bunch of people bothering me about whats wrong and i cant act how i want to because everyone will be liike wtf is wrong with you?! and all of my friends will leave me :\ the one person i trusted with everything apparently only has ONE TRUE FRIEND and its not me. like i understand that he ahs more then one friend but seriosuly what have i ever done to hurt him or lose his trust or anything ? it hurt meso much when i found that out. he always called me and talked to me when he was sad or just needed tot alk to someone, i was one of his first frirends when he moved here, i've gone thrrew alot with him, but i guess he thinks i'm not a true friend.. ? :( he doesnt even act the same around me anymore..
fuck i hate life!
i also made a huge mistake about 3or4 weeks ago. i'm not sayign what that mistake is though. but now all of these people hate me and are emailing me all of this shit saying how i'm such a whore and stuff and a few peopel were texting me but they stopped that a day or 2 ago. but the girl that i hurt she hates me and is getting people to come kick my ass. i understand that she's hurt and that she's mad at me but seriosuly get over it! what i did isnt even half as bad as what she did to me! and all i said when i found out what she did was "did you do it?" and she swore on her life that she didint even though she did because i got told by the person she did it with that it was true and my friend printed off an msn converstaion with her in it where she admitted to doing it. fuck i hate life !
i still have HUGE problems with my dad and their not getting any better, but i dont want to talk about them. my brother was suppose to come home for christmas, i was so excited to see him i havent seen him in over a year i miss him so much, but he's not coming anymore. he decided that he'd rather shoot up on herion and snort cocaine then come see his family on christmas. i guess drugs are more worth spending his money on then a plane ticket to see us. we were gonna buy him a ticket to get here and back but he didnt want to becvause he knew i'd be mad at him. he always promises me that he's clean btu he never is. he was clean for two months and then eh got right back into it again. i love him so mucha nd i hate watching him do this to himself. he shoots up on herion, snorts cocaine, smokes weed and cigarettes EVERYDAY! no wonder we had to send him money so he couldn pay his rent for the next to months. he knewed if he came home for christmas then i would either yell at him, not talk to him at all or be depresseed the whole time (which i already am). i stopped cutting for him because he promised he would get clean i went for three months without cutting, which was hard because i had been cuting for over two years at that time, and i didnt cut once and i thought he was clean the whoel tiem. he wasn't he was tsilling doing but i just didnt knwo about it, he made me so mad the day i found out that i cut my wrist right in front of him, and it was really deep too the blood was dripping onto the floor, i had to get stiches because of how deep it was. he still hasnt forgiven himself for whast happened that day, i dont even knwo why i did it. a few months ago he OD for the fourth time in three years, and the funny thing is he had assured me he was clean the day before. i cant trust him at all but everytime he says he's clean i beleive him. well now i'm balling my eyes out and i need to go re do my makeup for school.
blogg ya later,
-fee
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment